The Art of the Apology
“A stiff apology is a second insult.” — G.K. Chesterton
There is a useful maxim; tell the complete truth faster. This can be especially helpful if you made a social faux pau or have been withholding information. This also applies to apologizing when you have made a mistake. The goal is to cultivate the reflex to say you are sorry before any more harm can be done. It will also keep your relationships stronger if they are grounded in authenticity.
Quality of the Repair: We may underestimate how powerful an apology can be, especially if we are too focused on our own missteps. Letting the other person (or people) know you recognize what damage resulted in something you have done shows empathy, as well as communicating how you will work to not let it happen again. Often something cannot be repaired or undone but to acknowledge that you will try to be more attentive in the future is essential.
Guilt: It’s easy to feel guilty when causing hurt, followed by embarrassment in our gaffe. Guilt can signal learning what not to repeat; but if we hold onto guilt for too long, we are punishing ourselves rather than using the lesson in the future. It’s not letting yourself off the hook to move on, as it becomes self-serving to hold on. Throughout our lives, mistakes are made to help us grow, and without failures we are not trying and not on a path to succeeding.
Containment: A mistake doesn’t mean you are a bad person, it means you made a poor choice. Flip the scenario; someone hurts us, we focus on the hurt while that person may focus on their intention that was not well received. How validating it would be if that person explains how they handled something badly rather than tell you that you their actions the ‘wrong way?’
Over-apologizing: Are you a people-pleaser? Are you just trying to keep the peace? Like cursing too often, the impact of your words starts to feel meaningless. If you are apologizing more than you need to you can be missing the chance to have a more productive interaction in the future (raise your hand if you are that person that someone bumps into and YOU apologize)?
Apologizes do not have to be scripted, they should be offered early, and concise. Justifications for your actions and deflecting that they were ‘misinterpreted’ are going to sabotage attempts of sincerity. And like all we learn, it gets easier with practice. And like the truth, extend the complete apology faster.