If I had a dollar for every client who came to see me demanding that a part of their personality be “fixed” or “removed”, I would be a very wealthy man. Typically these “miracle cure” conversations begin in the following manner: “But Paul I don’t want to be (fill in the blank).” Or, “this doesn’t make sense. I shouldn’t feel so (again fill in the blank).”
Over the years, I have seen these blanks being filled by many different requests. Usually the requests are for something like, anger, hurt, sadness or just plain old fashion intolerable pain.
The assumption underlying these demands is that if I, the mental health professional, can figure out the “thing” that makes you depressed “it” can be conquered and you will be free to ride off into the sunset, cured for life and eternally happy. But in spite of this fantasy, most of us know in our hearts that the sunset of the eternally happy- like the world of Oz- doesn’t really exist. Regardless of this knowledge, many of us continue to construct polarities between thoughts, feelings and behaviors that we subsequently compartmentalize into extremes of good or bad- acceptable or unacceptable.
For example, a middle-aged man with whom I work is struggling with the recent death of his terminally ill mother. In our last session together he practically whispered in an exhausted voice. “I feel so shamed to admit this…but, I’m...well…I’m…I don’t know if I should say this…well…I’m relieved… she’s gone…I …can’t believe I just said that…I… I…should… be sad...shouldn’t I?”
In counting the “I’s” in his statement, I found that there were a total of 10. I also found it heartbreaking that this loving and devoted son was more tortured over the authenticity of his feelings than the reality of his mother’s death. Rather than accepting his mother’s passing as part of the universal and “we” circle of life, he had set up a conflict within the singular “I” of his isolated self that was tearing him apart. By refusing to transcend the ego he had constructed to fight off his unacceptable thoughts, he had cut himself off from the healing power of his very real and human feelings. As a result, he compounded his sadness with feelings of anger, guilt, and shame.
So what was this man to do? Certainly, no one expects him to jump for joy over such a devastating and life changing loss. Actually, I didn’t want him to jump for anything at all.
Eventually, what I hope to assist this gentle man in doing is to sit with the complexity of his feelings and transcend the limitations of his own polarized ego. In other words, my goal is to enable him to resolve and integrate- rather than “fix” or “remove” the authentic human emotions that he now sees as incompatible and completely unacceptable.
So rather than painting a picture of his recovery in the harshness of black and white, I hope we can compose his experiential soulscape in nuanced shades of gray. Such composition will enable him to heal in the richness of his experience, and place him in the depth and substance of the universal order and never ending circle of life.
Paul Leslie Hokemeyer is an Attorney and Therapist who is completing his Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology while working at the Caron Treatment Center's New York City office (www.caron.org) in the areas of substance abuse and Co-Dependency. He welcomes your questions or comments at phokemeyer@caron.org.
|
