I was walking down a street in Brooklyn the other morning when I passed an older gentleman spraying and polishing a vine that was growing up the side of his modest walk up building. The sight of this man showering such care and attention on another living creature caused me to stop in my tracks and drink in the vision. In surveying the scene, I couldn’t help but notice that in spite of the harsh surroundings, the vine and the man were thriving, happy and full of vigor and life. It was if in their unlikely union, both were able to find meaning and in this meaning both were able to heal and to grow.

And as I made my way forward, I began thinking about the similarities between the scene I had just witnessed and the healing that occurs in our daily life. Particularly when the healing is of the psychological nature, I have found that people need one another to repair past damage and discover new and healthier ways of being in the world. In my experience, true healing seldom if ever occurs in isolation.

Take for example a daughter who needs to find her voice and separate herself from an overbearing mother. Without a doubt, the daughter knows her mother loves her dearly, yet the mother’s love seems to manifest itself in ways the daughter finds destructive, controlling and manipulative. Certainly, absent abuse of a physical or psychological nature, the mother and daughter relationship will endure, but for the daughter to thrive in the world she must find the courage to change- not her mother- but her very own self.

Now of course, the daughter wishes her mother would change and become the person the daughter feels she needs. But her mother doesn’t. As a result, the daughter finds herself constantly disappointed and distraught when her mother’s responses are always the same.

So like the man and the plant, the daughter must go out into the sidewalk of the world and find a nurturing relationship where she can find an authentic way of being with herself and others. And like the man and the plant, this relationship is often found outside of one’s family of origin with a professional psychotherapist or safe and trusted friend. Like all things of lasting value, however, this process takes time, practice and patience.

Without a doubt, the daughter will make some mistakes and fail in her attempts at growth. She may place her feelings in unkind hands and get hurt. But eventually, she will learn from these mistakes and find a relationship where she can be herself and express her true feelings without feeling criticized or judged. In other words, she will find her roots and begin rising up a wall of her own.

And once her true being takes hold, the daughter will be able to branch out and extend her new ways of relating to other relationships in her life. Almost miraculously she will no longer expect her mother to change. She will have developed a new sense of her being that will alter her mother’s reaction to her. In so doing, both will change- both will grow.

Paul Leslie Hokemeyer is an Attorney and Therapist who is completing his Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology while working at the Caron Treatment Center's New York City office (www.caron.org) in the areas of substance abuse and Co-Dependency. He welcomes your questions or comments at phokemeyer@caron.org.