Neon Love
By Nanci E. LaGarenne

  I was sitting with my love on a cool spring Montauk night, inside a cozy pub in our favorite corner. As usual, it was too bright for us, so we unscrewed the lightbulb, as we do every time we sit at that table in the window. No one minds; we asked first, and they know we like it dark. But what we also like, is that ‘absinthethy’ glow from the neon shamrock in the window.  But alas, the shamrock was dark. We were saddened. We wondered why.

Apparently someone had been exposed to too much green neon and like Soylent Green, they were never heard from again. So it was suggested, rather than create a pandemic of neon sickness, or heaven forbid, a rash of pod people, the shamrocks be unplugged.

Now I don’t know about you, but an Irish pub has neon shamrocks in the window. That’s de rigueur. Not if the pod people get to you first. Personally, I would have gone for the Soylent Green wafers, but that’s just me. I’m Irish, I like a fight. So my love and I sat in the dark, no soft neon shamrock glow to illuminate our faces, our dinner, our conversation. Not tonight. Not ever it seems. What has the world become?

A friend of mine is a fan of those blinking necklaces. I am not. But imagine me telling her or the little bachelorette  girls, to turn off their flashing rings and tiaras because they bothered me. I wouldn’t. I don’t honestly care one way or the other. I choose not to wear them. I am not big on forsythia trees either and everyone and their brother plants it out here. Do I suggest a ban because its silly yellow blooms offend me? No. I simply don’t plant any in my yard. I prefer Dogwoods and Appleblossoms. I love the pink ‘snow’.

I do not have shamrocks in my window  at home. But I do have Christmas lights in season and fairy lights in the trees year round. If my neighbor doesn’t like them, well, she does, because she has them on too. But if she didn’t, it would not be an issue. The lights would stay. They are not interrupting anyone’s slumber, let’s be real. But supposedly the neon shamrocks in the pub were disturbing someone’s zzzzz. The glow of the green can, in theory, travel  across wide roads and enter windows behind pulled shades and maybe even enter the brain cavities of the residents. This certainly cannot be permitted!  There are laws for such serious offenses. Goody Garlick was nearly hanged in 1657 for having her candles burning in her front windows past 9 p.m. What was she doing with all those candles on, the people wondered?  She must be a witch! You know the rest.

What if there is a parallel universe of Montauk and in this parallel universe, neon is loved and revered by all. Say neon Jesus’s and neon Buddhas are all the rage. How could anyone ask someone to turn off Jesus? Unheard of. The same goes for shamrocks, peace signs and flowers. Who would want those symbols silenced? If there is a complaint from anyone in the parallel Montauk universe, everyone  knows the pod people are in town. Because the pod people, aka neon haters, are alone in their hatred. The rest of us neon lovers have that nice crème de menthe glow emanating from our pores and we are happy. That’s the important thing. Happiness. Happy glowing people in favor of neon shamrocks and harmony. Like the song goes… “harmony and me, are really good company.”

Pod people are also against lava lamps. I have no comment. How, you might wonder, can I like any neon lights when I said I like the dark window in the pub? I was not talking about bright bulbs or gasp! florescent lighting. That does actually make you crazy. It has been reported to make people do unkind and unsociable things. I hear some homes still have those ugly florescent lights in their kitchens and bathrooms. That explains a lot. That explains why pod people exist and why they complain about neon shamrocks in a pub.

I have a solution. I mean other than the Soylent Green one. How about the pod people get a neon shamrock for their home. They could try one in their bedroom as a nightlight. Could be fun. Neon love. Like ‘radar love,’ only greener, magical. Then they won’t be bothered by the ones outside, which by the way do not even blink, ever. Or there is always a lovely lavender eye pillow instead. Nice. Again, we are talking harmony. Pod people often don’t understand that concept. That’s why they are pod people.

My love, who like me, prefers dimly lit dining rooms and haunts, does not like noise from the road outside at night. Does he suggest all cars stop riding after ten p.m.? Not at all. He uses a white noise machine with ocean sounds. We are not the boss of the world, lads. Harmony. Harmony and shamrocks. Like incense and peppermints. Pod people probably don’t get that either.