It’s June already and June brings us Father’s Day. If you haven’t found the perfect gift for that special dad on your list, may I suggest Joel Schwartzberg’s new book, The 40-Year-Old Version, Humoirs of a Divorced Dad.

In his "humoir," Schwartzberg shows us, in 40 short, easy-to-read stories, how divorce forced him to learn how to become a better dad.

Pretty serious fare, don't you think?  Schwartzberg takes a tragic and difficult situation, divorce, and shows us the humorous side of the new family dynamic it inevitable creates. He writes about how his kids handle the divorce, and his own realization that being divorced makes his role as a father even more important to him.

But you needn't be a divorced dad to enjoy the book.  Schwartzberg articulates the humor inherent in raising kids, and life in general.  His book is like an exhilarating roller coaster ride, careening from stories that will make readers laugh out loud, to stories that will make readers shed a tear or two.  It's a fun read for anyone…and perfect for the Montauk beaches this summer!

The father of three and a PBS producer, Schwartzberg has written personal essays for The New York Times Magazine, The New York Post, The New York Daily News, The Star Ledger, The Huffington Post, Chicken Soup for the Soul, and regional parenting magazines across the U.S. and Canada. Visit his website, www.divorceddadbook.com for more information.

I was lucky enough to interview Joel Schwartzberg. Below are my questions and his answers.

Happy Father’s Day! Enjoy!
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You’ve taken a tragic and difficult thing, divorce, and found a humorous side. How do you think your sense of humor helped you get through your divorce, and please give me an example?
My sense of humor helps me get through life in general, so it was a handy tool to put the divorce into a workable perspective. There’s nothing funny about divorce specifically, but any new family dynamic breeds humor. Observing my children’s evolving reactions to the divorce is always interesting and sometimes comical. My son, for example, would often tell new people we'd meet, "He's my Dad. HE'S DIVORCED." That he accepted it so fully is certainly a sign of health, but it made for an awkward moment by the time I finally shook hands.

I tell people that divorce put me back on a trajectory toward happiness, and happiness calls itself out to me through humor. Divorce is not a funny subject per se, but parenting -- all kinds of parenting -- is rich, fertile ground for humor.

Please explain what you mean when you wrote that getting divorced has made you a better father to your three kids. 
When I was married to my ex-wife, I identified my dadhood by others' expectations of me -- hers, my parents', even Dr. Phil's. But once I was forced to come up with my own rules, my own standards, I began to sense my own personal parenting style emerging, and my sense of being a dad growing along with it. I felt like a genuine dad for the first time. That allowed me to feel both calm and confident in my parenting, and enjoy it more. These are qualities that make me a better father than I've ever been. My children even remarked how I “get them” differently than their mother does, and how I’m less angry than I’d been. I love hearing that because there's no greater affirmation for a parent.

How do your children remind you of how you acted when you were their ages?  What traits do you think you passed on to your kids, and which traits do you wish you hadn't passed on?
I know I passed on creativity and humor, which is a joy to watch, but somehow I've also sadly passed on to my son a bit of perfectionism and sensitivity to criticism. When he internally beats himself up for a mistake, it feels like I'm watching myself at his age, tearing apart my room with the same fury and shame. My parents and I didn't really talk about my feelings, but I'm committed to talking about them with my son. When I tell him I had the same feelings at his age, it seems to relieve him. He relates to me, and I to him. It's important that my kids know we're all -- even parents -- fallible humans. While much has changed between my childhood and theirs, some things about all kids are timeless: they’re curious, they play, they want to be smart, they need real understanding more than cheesy condescension, they need structure, and they rise to expectations.

According to a 2006 study published in the journal Pediatrics, 14% of mothers, and 10% of fathers, suffer from postpartum depression.  A few years ago Brooke Shields was roundly criticized when she spoke about her postpartum depression.  You suffered from male postpartum depression after your first child was born, and you were also roundly criticized.  Do you think your postpartum depression was taken less seriously since you are a man, and how did you deal with your detractors?

Any depression in men -- dads in particular -- is often taken as a sign of weakness and cowardice, no matter how one labels it. People have told me to "man up," but I think it takes a lot of courage to admit vulnerability, and dealing with emotions openly is more productive than burying them. I've had people call me some pretty nasty things, but just as many men and women have approached me with similar stories, and found my essay on this subject (a version of which appeared in Newsweek) to be "gutsy."

I feared a backlash from women with PPD because women have a physical, umbilical connection to their kids; dads just have to hold on tight. But women who suffered from PPD were among the most supportive responders. Sharp criticism came from people who seemed to believe, for example, that a man who publicly cries should feel shame for it. I don't share that point of view. My reaction to those who criticized me is simply to say: I had difficulty accepting sudden fatherhood -- perhaps the biggest upheaval in life --  and I'm owning up to it. I also overcame it, love my children, and have a great relationship with them now.

Congratulations on getting married again!  If you were to have more children, how would your parenting be different?
First and foremost, I would identify and value my instincts, not run away from or submerge them. I would understand my child needs her father as much as she needs her mother -- that my role is vital. I would also not be afraid to be firm, but also be more demonstrative in my love and affection. This would all be possible because I now know what the light at the end of the exhausting baby tunnel looks like, and I can prepare myself, knowing it will come.

How will you celebrate Father's Day this year? 
By spending time with my wife and my kids -- the details are up to them!
  
What advice do you have for divorced dads?
My advice for divorced dads is to know that divorcing your spouse does not mean you’ve divorced your children, that a divorced dad is NO LESS a dad than any other, and to recognize that your dadhood is now solely your responsibility, your right, and your honor. 

I would also recommend telling kids that Daddy is not a babysitter, nor do the kids "visit" him. They live together, if only for short periods. The kids now have "two homes" -- one with Dad and one with Mom.

Dads don't need to make every custody period a spectacular adventure. In keeping with the idea of "living with" and not "visiting," dads should feel free to run errands, go shopping, eat out modestly -- because the key is not keeping your kids entertained; it's about spending quality time with them, letting them know that they occupy space in your life, just as they do in your heart.

What’s next for Joel Schwartzberg?
I have a full-time job as a PBS producer, so I continue to toil away there, but a long as I have a train commute, I’ll be writing. I’m currently blogging for the parenting section of the Star Ledger, but also writing new essays, and kicking ideas around for my next book.

The 40-Year-Old Version has been optioned by a Los Angeles-based entertainment agent, so I'm also working on both movie and TV treatments.

How do you perceive your role in the world of divorced parents?
There are a ton of how-to books for every conceivable kind of dad, so I never intended for this to be a manual on divorced parenting. What I hope is that it will make divorced dads smile, laugh, and nod in recognition of some of their own issues. In so doing, I hope these dads will feel less alone, and strongly encouraged to be the best dads they can be, for their kids’ sakes, and for their own.

How can our readers buy a copy “The 40 Year Old Version?” 
The easiest way is to buy it on Amazon.com or another online book outlet. If it's not at your local bookstore, you can always order it from there as well.

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