I have a friend we call Noodles and It’s not because he’s a rocket scientist. Don’t get me wrong he’s not dumb or anything, although sometimes he’s a few tacos short of a fiesta, as are all my cohorts. He got the name because the first time he was out drinking in Montauk he walked around like a wet noodle. And there you have it, a grown man’s name is changed forever. Don’t get me wrong, it’s kind of cool now that he’s in his twenties but I can’t help but think it’s going to be sort of creepy when he’s in his fifties. As an old man it will be really strange, “Kids get ready, Grandpa Noodles is taking you to the zoo!”

Parents spend months finding the perfect name for their unborn child. Families have falling outs over a baby not being named after the right relative and yet we have the power to change a man’s name on a drunken whim.
Sometimes it’s not even for a good reason. We call Tommy Two Shoes, because he wears not one, but two shoes. Sometimes you have the opposite nickname. A fat guy is called slim, a tall guy is shorty. Down in Key West we had Johnny Sunshine, the most miserable man I knew. He wasn’t very smart either. He was squatting in an abandoned building on the fourth floor when one summer night he decided to crawl out on the ledge because there was more of a breeze. He woke up later with various broken bones and bruises directly under the ledge he went to sleep on. For months he blamed street kids for robbing him in the middle of the night not realizing he fell off the freakin’ ledge.
Fraternities are where most guys get their nicknames. I never understood people that wanted to join frats. Don’t get me wrong, if running around naked and letting other men spank you is your thing have at it. It’s just not my idea of a happy place, not that there’s anything wrong with that.

I never spent a lot of time in college, but I did do many comedy shows on campuses, so I did get the important parts of school in. I did plenty of cow tipping, pennying doors and toga parties. It was an ideal situation because when something went wrong and everyone got in trouble, I didn’t go there. When someone in charge would ask me what kind of role model I was, I’d answer “A stand-up comic, what do you expect?’’

Another place I find that nicknames come from many a time is Rugby teams. That’s another thing I never understood. These guys play one of the roughest sports around, then afterwards they get naked, hold hands and run around various bars. I’ve seen more grown men in dresses in Rugby bars than in any bar in the east village. But than again who’s going to say anything to them?

Speaking of rugby, thanks to Joe Blocker. We were given a gift last week. He found this baseball card of one of his former players. Notice that’s not a Yankee outfit he’s wearing. The truth is out!

Of course this Montauk legend went on to be a Rugby star, male model and of course can be seen behind the stick at West Lake. And, if you don’t take this like a good sport, Noodles talked me into writing this!!!

Vinny K is a stand-up comic, DJ, syndicated writer and radio host, and can be seen DJ-ing around Montauk. His first stand-up special Drunken Rage is filming in the fall.