Can I ask a question to the general east end public? Who the hell put up all the lights around town and what drug are they on and does anybody have their beeper number? It amazes me that when there’s a hole in the road that needs to be filled or a street that is due for a paving, it takes months to get fixed. When there’s a holiday around the corner everybody works together like Mormon’s on speed.

I personally like all the flair, although I’m not sure how Christ, or Don Quixote for that matter, would feel about hanging lights on windmills to celebrate the birth of the baby king, but damn if it don’t look cool.

No matter how nice it looks out here, New York blows everywhere else away this time of the year. They just lit the Christmas tree in midtown. Oh…excuse me, the holiday tree. When we were kids it was a Christmas tree, but now thanks to some too much time on their hands douche-bags, we have to change our way of thinking. I’d like all the readers to do me a favor and if you hear anyone using the term holiday tree kick them in the balls. Jesus would want that. I know I was drinking with him in the East Village last week. Well I don’t know if it was Jesus, he had a beard and a robe and boy was he pissed.

The thing I love most about Rockefeller Center is that they have a bar. They’ll let you do as many shots as you want and still go ice-skating. But they’re still surprised when you start checking people. “Merry Christmas mother- #$&^”…Boom!

“Happy Hanukkah!”…Bang!

“Happy Kwanza”…Bam!

They never see it coming. Eventually they try to throw you off the ice, but they realize none of their security guards can skate. It becomes really awkward, a grown man trying to walk on ice and coax you off. “Come on son, don’t make this harder than it has to be.” They finally get you off and the manager starts yelling at you, “What the hell were you thinking!?” “What the hell was I thinking? You gave me a bottle of Jaeger and a pair of ice skates, jackass!”

Malls are also extra annoying this time of the year. I was riding the escalator, because I live in Montauk and don’t see many, so when there’s one in front of me I go on it. There was a sign at the top that said “Please lift feet when leaving escalator.” Do we need this. Are there people out there tripping at the end of the ride. “What, this thing doesn’t go straight into the Gap!? This place sucks!”

My favorite is the line for Santa Clause. Parents who for eleven months out of the year yell at their kids not to talk to strangers. They set up nanny cams to protect their precious ones, but are now on line forcing the little terrified bastards to go up to a drunken drifter and sit on his special place.

Vinny K is a stand-up comic, DJ, syndicated writer and radio host, and can be seen DJ-ing around Montauk. His first stand-up special “Drunken Rage” is filming in the fall. Look for info on Vinny K's first comedy special “Drunken Rage” in our next issue.