The Art of Love...

with Lucia

Questions & Answers!

Dear Lucia,
 Would it be wrong to tell a guy I had one date with that I like him and find him attractive?
                                                                                                                        ~Julie
Dear Julie,

Yes, it would be very wrong!  You are hoping that by telling him you like him, he will like you in return.  Sorry, it doesn’t work that way. 
As my good friend Doc Love says, you need:  Confidence, control and challenge.  By revealing your feelings so soon, you are killing mystery and challenge. Guys need to feel as if they have won a prize.  They will not think you have high value if you are such an easy conquest. 
You also show that you have no self-control, because you feel the need to show your “hand” right away.  If you can’t control yourself at this stage of the game, he sub-consciously wonders how you will be able to control yourself with him in the future when things start getting more serious.
Not having self-control also shows a lack of confidence.  Both sexes find a confident partner very attractive. 
As you can see, by not following the three “C’s”, you will quickly eliminate any attraction on his part.  Show you care, but don’t say it yet!

Dear Lucia,
  I don't know why but younger men seem to come after me and I just don't know how to go about it. Men around my age don't show any interest in me. I'm in my early 50's and men as young as 25yrs of age are showing an interest in me. I get a mixed up feeling of wanting to enjoy life with them and at the same time I'm worried what the world or people would think.
I also am not sure if they know what they are looking for although at the same time I like what is happening to me. I just left a 25 year old man and I'm now with a 28year old. He is just all over me and I think I may be falling in love with him.
Please tell me if I'm doing the right thing. I want to be with him.   I'm scared but I’m not sure of what.             
                                                                                                                        ~ Chi Chi

Dear Chi Chi,
As I’ve said many times before and will continue to say, it’s no longer about age, but about energy.  If you are attracted to younger men and they are attracted to you, then what is the problem? 
Yes, I know it’s still not totally accepted by society and it probably never will be accepted by everyone, however, I believe in about 10 years, it won’t be such a big deal.
What you’re afraid of is the unknown.  Like everyone, you’re looking for a guarantee, but that’s not possible.  Follow your heart and don’t worry about what the world or people will think.  It’s really none of their business and often, it’s just jealousy!

Dear Lucia,
  I am at a loss at what to do about a guy who I dated about a year ago.   We dated for a while and talked marriage but he dumped me very quickly and suddenly.   He said that he couldn't date me any longer as he couldn't handle being in a relationship while he was settling his divorce and selling his property.  
The problem is that he stays in touch by messaging and phone calls.   Just when I forget him, he rings up and gets my hopes up again.    However, he doesn't want to see me.   He says that he'll see me "very soon" and will then end the conversation suddenly.
 I have tried to cut this off at times and stated that it was emotionally unhealthy for me.   I have been out dating other guys but haven't found anyone I really like yet.
I know I need to cut him off but I don't want to just ignore his calls until he gets the message. I'd like to end things in a powerful way. The current situation makes me feel weak and puts me in a situation where he calls all the shots.
It is exactly like you described in your article on “Positive Partial Reinforcement” of feeling like it's a hit on a poker machine: getting little amounts of attention at times but no big jackpot.   It is addictive in a pathetic kind of way.                                                                 ~ Gayle

Dear Gayle,
Trying to cut someone off and actually doing it are two different things.  His phone calls give you a temporary high, that’s why you continue to take them.  You keep hoping that one day he will finally ask to see you.
You need to accept that he is not the man for you and is simply stringing you along for his own ego gratification.  Only then will it be easy for you to tell him that you are no longer interested in hearing from him and will actually follow through and not take his calls.

Write to Lucia at: www.theartoflove.net

Read an exceerpt from Lucia's Lessons of Love at www.lessonsoflove.net

Listen to Lucia live every Sundat at 6:00pm on www.latalkradio.com

REMEMBER: Love inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.