The Art of Love...

with Lucia

 Questions & Answers

Dear Lucia,
I met a guy 4 months ago.  He made it clear in the first week that I can be his girlfriend but he will never consider me as his wife. What is he trying to say? That I am not good enough to be his future partner?
We had a lot of arguments based on that and we came to conclusion that we won’t talk about commitment.   Things have been really good so far.  He is good looking, romantic etc, but I desire commitment in a relationship.  He says things like, “One day you will find a nice husband” and that makes me really frustrated.
I tried to break up with him but he is holding me back.  Why is he doing this?  If he doesn’t see me as future wife, why doesn’t he let me go? I would love to stay with this guy but at the same time I want to move on. Jasmine

Lucia's Answer:

Dear Jasmine,
When a guy tells you he would never consider you as his future wife, he is absolutely telling you that you’re not good enough for him.  Why even bother arguing?  He’s already made up his mind.  Whatever happened to dignity?
If you really wanted to break up with him, you would just do it.  He doesn’t want you to leave because he wants to continue to get the benefits from being with you (sex, etc.) You’re not his Miss Right, but his Miss Right Now. 
If you don’t mind seeing him knowing there is probably no future here, then continue doing so.  Otherwise, it’s time to hit the road!
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Dear Lucia,
I've been dating a much younger man for two years.   My intentions were never to date this cub for this amount of time, but he continues to contact me when he's in town.  He has said the "love" word on one occasion, but I never responded. 
After this amount of time, is it really love or is it still in the lust stages?  I have the two confused, because I'm thinking I'm in love too.  Rose
 
Lucia's Answer:

Dear Rose,
Love is more about the connection than the time.  You could date someone for years and never fall in love.  Or you could date someone for 6 months and begin to fall in love.  Does it really matter what it is?  Why do you need a definition?  It is what it is.  Would you behave any differently if you knew for sure that it was love?   If you enjoy spending time with him, then continue to do so.  The truth is in your heart, not in a word.
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Dear Lucia,
My relationship, which lasted for five years, ended two months ago because my ex girlfriend simply found that she didn't love me anymore. Unfortunately, in the last year, we've been living in separate cities (we are foreign students and we've been admitted in different places.)
Of course, this has a lot to do with that.  Whatever the reasons, I understand that if she doesn't love me anymore, there's nothing I can do but to accept her decision, and move on.
I've been trying to get over it and I feel I can't.  I see new and old friends, I go to new places, I try to concentrate in my studies, but I can't forget, and I don’t know what to do.  How can I forget someone who doesn't love me anymore, but who I still love?  Very Sad Guy

Lucia's Answer:

Dear Sad Guy,
I asked a guy who was in a very similar situation a year ago for his thoughts on this.  He was also very upset at that time, and never thought he’d get over it.  His answer is exactly what I was going to advise you. It’s going to take more than 2 months to get over a 5 year relationship. 
“You’re going to feel like crap for a while” he said, “but the world goes on and eventually you’ll feel better.”  He also said that you should find another girl, but it doesn’t sound to me like you will be ready for that anytime soon.
I would also advise that you put away anything that reminds you of her – photos, a present she gave you, etc.  You’re going to have to pretend she doesn’t exist for a while, until you are feeling better. Out of sight eventually becomes out of mind.
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Dear Lucia,
You answered my email a few weeks ago about my wanting to get engaged while my boyfriend wanted to wait.  I almost got offended by your answer but then again, I knew it was something that I had to hear.
I thought it was only wise to be open minded and listen to someone who has the profession and tells it like it is. Believe me you did me a huge favor and I cannot thank you enough for the reality slap in the face. You know your stuff.  -Ricki

Write to Lucia at: www.theartoflove.net

Read an exceerpt from Lucia's Lessons of Love at www.lessonsoflove.net

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REMEMBER: Love inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.