|
| “Actors? Actors?!!! Did ya ever eat with one?”
~ Zero Mostel in the original film version of “The Producers”
I am an actor who teaches, as apposed to a teacher who does only that. I try to amalgamize the commercial world with the fantasy of acting. I learn from watching and have never tired of it or felt "burned out" by the process, whether putting myself on stage as an actor or working with others as they attempt this very strange process.
I could not admit to myself that acting was what I would do -- before I became conscious of the real world -- at age 3 or 4. I've never had a conflict about a career choice. There are few jobs I could or would care to do that would hold my attention for long, I'd be good at, or -- not get fired trying. I started late, 24 years old, but that was because I was as afraid as anyone who considers the absurdity of acting as a livelihood. But I got lucky quickly in the 70's by auditioning for the NBC soap opera, Somerset. They wrote a part for me as Greg Mercer, wonder boy reporter of Somerset. From there on I was in an elite club known as "working actors."
I've always wanted to blend into or immerse myself into the soul of those around me, my world being restless, irritable and uncomfortable in my own skin. The feeling was and still is ecumenical: I am as intrigued with the serial killer as I am with spiritually pure. As a child I could mimic anyone with distinct qualities of behavior. I could feel a person across a room, internalize them and almost become them. If this appears or sounds, on the surface, like braggadocio; that I'm gifted, powerful in observation, then, I'm not expressing clearly the other side of this One Eyed Jack card dealt to me. Sensitivity is a blessing with flowers and a switch with thorns.
Ever wanted to act? Thought about it? Have you tried? Are you afraid to admit you want to, secretly moving around in the films of your mind as Nicole, Tom, Brad, Angelina, Sir Anthony or Maggie Smith? Most people have. Are you on a lounge chair at Gurney’s right now, or a living room reading this thinking that you have to admit to yourself that you have dreamed of acting -- but the thought is foreign, disturbing, odd or something attached to shame?
Why do so many people hunger to do something that scares them, intimidated at the idea, ashamed if others were to know? I've heard these refrains from many people. "Ya know, I've always been curious about acting, I mean... I do it every day, why not get paid for it."
I've worked with a decorated Navy Seal who got so nervous he shook before standing up for his first scene in front of my class. I've worked with models, the famous, poor and rich. I got a call from a political candidate trying to connect with himself, criticized as cold and distant. He wanted the public to accept him, know him as human and not just a distant legislator. I coached a judge in his office in the court district down town New York City who wanted to be on CSI. He had an unusual gift but was ultimately afraid to put himself before others as an actor, afraid to go out into the agent world -- afraid others might laugh at this ridiculous notion. He also began to recoil from the hard work of investigating the inner self, to free it and open the personal chambers for others to view his closeted actors' spirit.
I've trained a psychologist auditioning for news shows. She later told me that she uses the exercises from acting in her sessions with her clients. I've had the privilege of working with lawyers who litigate, doctors uncomfortable with patients trying to learn a bedside manner; scientists, policemen and women, dancers, writers, fireman, drug dealers (never admitted but obvious through conversation). I've worked with jewelers in the jewelry district where I had to go through numerous security checks to work in a cave like, windowless office on the 12th floor. I've trained salesman for the phone sales, house wives,
husbands who did not want the family to know they were studying. I worked with an NPR news person who was criticized as too bland; acting helped keep the job for this individual. I privately coached a hedge fund owner in his apartment. He also had great potential but found it was harder than he had anticipated. Eventually, they all admit their secret dream.
After studying for a while and realizing that making a profession of acting is almost an impossible dream to bring to fruition, each one took something back to their own nests that they knew made things better. But, in the dark of night, in the middle of their dream state, they see themselves up there; giant, godlike saying the written words of someone else, living life alone -- up there -- as others watch from rows of seats below ... looking up at Ron, Arnold, Fred or a future Pope.
Afraid to be an actor? Me too. But what a ride....
www.garyswanson.org
|
